Letter from my “Daughter in Recovery” …

As I have shared with you about the young “street-addict” that shared with me she wanted to get away from the lifestyle she has known for 14 of her 30 years, I would like to share with you a letter she sent from “treatment” that brings me joy to read. If you have not read or know of the “Daughter in Recovery” I speak of, feel free to “browse” through previous posts that refer to her.

“Dad,

     Well, I’m almost there and boy I’m ready. Oh, guess  what alot of the girls here say, I have blossomed so much and they say I have alot of determination and acceptance of my past. They are all very happy for me, and hearing that coming from other people who hardly even knows me really says alot and makes me feel so great that I’m starting to ‘Love Me’. I am very proud of myself. Thank you Dad. You don’t have to sign your cards “Gary” because “you are my dad now, and always, seriously, will be.”      ………. Love, your daughter, Nichole”

I visited Nichole yesterday at the treatment facility and she indicated she does not want to ever go back to anyone or anything that was associated with her life “on the streets and using ‘crack cocaine’ or drinking. She wants to experience a life she has never known before this. This is her second time to enter treatment, but I pray that now she sees that the disease we suffer from, addiction, is so cunning and baffling that it is easy to “slide back under that rock we crawled out from under”. To see another addict find hope in recovery is alot like seeing the “Hand of God” perform a miracle. It is amazing and to understand how hard recovery can be to finally decide we are willing to whatever it takes is rewarding. Caring is sharing what I have with another, even if it is only my experience, strength, and hope in recovery with another who may be as sick or sicker than I. Showing another that they can be loved will help them realize they can love themselves.

After I left from visiting Nichole, I traveled to Brenham to share with the joy of another friend who went through treatment and is now staying in a Christian Sober Living environment. We had a great steak dinner, attended a meeting, then shared about God, our lives, and recovery. I am blessed to have such a loving God that He places others in my life to share His love with.

…. Thanks for letting me share ~ gary m (a grateful addict in recovery since Nov. 1,2008) a.k.a. ~ Da Dillo

An addict is born

55 yr ago a child,named Gary, was born to Henry and Marceline Michael. He had a free spirit that would follow him every day of his life. Gary felt love at home, but around others he was bashful. He promised mom he would be a “spaceman” and fly to the moon, have 10 kids and bring ‘em to her to care for. Growing up he idolized his dad and brother, but his dad’s drinking distorted that view. His brother went away and had his own family. He came to know a little about God, and he accepted that Someone  had died “for him’. Gary only wanted to “belong”, but was always a little different – he was like the piece of the puzzle that didn’t quite fit unless he forced it. His mom showed unconditional love, but was always busy taking care of his dad. Gary went it alone and found comfort wherever he could. Wanting to shine, he did it his way. He gained infamous notoriety doing all the wrong things, but he shined.

Gary fell in love with a girl he thought he could keep forever. She grew up, and they grew apart and he ran away thinking “out of sight, out of mind” because he hurt. He was going to prove to her, and his parents, that he was somebody. Gary became a well respected construction engineer, but he was lonely. Feeling a hole within, he sedated his feelings. Continuing to “show them he could be” he prospered, but so did the addiction that was growing becoming a disease. Gary reached out for love whenever he could, but true love was not felt. He continued to veil his addiction with a cape of success, but that was beginning to shred.

The use and abuse of drugs and alcohol led Gary to many encounters with the legal system, eventually he would come to think it normal spending ”time in jail”, always turning back to that God he once knew and hoping He still cared. Gary would study others and fantasize about success, but the hole remained within. His disease of addiction was a cancer beginning to ‘eat away’ at that hole. Eventually Gary decided there was no point in fighting it any longer and he retreated to the thought he would die in addiction.

Gary’s mom had pleaded with him, but when she died it was more lost hope. No reason to seek the only one who had never given up on him. His dad made a sort of amends, no longer drinking, and fulfilling his “promise to momma he would take care of ‘her baby’.” Gary’s disease used this to it’s advantage and hurt his dad as bad as it hurt Gary. When his dad passed away, knowing he had no where else to go, Gary moved to the streets eventually finding a comfort “that was all he needed”. A place to sleep, a means of supplying his disease of addiction, and in a way ‘comfort and acceptance’ among others like him. Gary’s disease had won the battle and their was no use ‘fighting it’, he would live out his life and die a junkie on the streets. Nobody cared. He was convinced he was “just a bum”.  But that God he once knew was the only real friend Gary had. Gary talked with Him, he cried to Him. Gary had once had hopes and dreams, why shouldn’t he be able to have them again. The disease tried to convince him it was no use, he had lost the battle. But Gary cried out to his God, who sent angels to help deliver him from ‘the disease’.

Gary showed fear, because he had come to know the disease as the “only one that would always be there”. Gary stood up, his walk unsteady, and pushed forward. God guided him and held his hand. The angels, always checking on his progress, allowed Gary to learn on his own but assuring him of love and understanding from others. They inspired him to do and think, and hope and dream, and today Gary can walk on his own. He faces fear on his own. He shows love, without concern of rejection. Gary can see God’s hand and He still reaches for it. Today, at 3 yr and 1 mth and 27 days sober, and at 55 yr old, Gary is a happy man. Sometimes he feels alone, but he looks out and God’s hand is still outstretched to greet him. Gary knows the love of others who care about his welfare genuinely, and he knows the love of and for others ‘like him’. Today, Gary realizes God has never left him, He loves him, and Gary belongs to God. Happy Birthday Gary 

“Parents, always remember that child of yours was a gift. One that you wanted and love. Show them your love, and when they reject love and understanding continue to love them. Take care of “momma’s baby”. Bring them to know a God who loves them the same and teach them that God’s love, and yours, will always be there. Regardless of their decisions or behaviors, recognize you love them. You may not love whatever disease or direction they come to claim in life, but they are your babies, your gift that you wanted and love.” ~ gary m ( grateful recovering addict)

At Three Years, it’s still scary ….

For addicts like me, and possibly the “normals”, being sure of our actions and “stepping softly” we tend to feel like we are walking on eggshells. …. “Am I right or am I wrong? Will I regret acting in confidence, knowing too well that in my past I acted with selfishness and without cognitive intervention?” Sometimes we feel we are taking a step of faith however, deep inside we are hiding doubt. It creates a paranoia and fear that we have done something wrong unknowingly.
Money? – “Should I spend this now or will something “come up” that I will regret I didn’t save for?”
Friends, Associates, Co-Workers? – “Do I trust them with knowing me intimately or are they selfish in their motives, as I used to be?”
Jobs? – “Am I really able to handle the tasks and job I have accepted or will I question my own abilities? How will I know and how do I address my employer so not to lose my income?”
I’ve failed myself and others so much in the past I find it hard to be confident. There’s a confidence from the program that I don’t have to use over this … but what of the past times when I failed?! I remember how I acted those times, and fearfully seeing those character defects coming out, what do I do?

The 5th step prayer says “Higher Power, My inventory has shown me who I am, yet I ask for Your help in admitting my wrongs to another person and to You.Assure me, and be with me, in this Step, for without this Step I cannot progress in my recovery.With Your help, I can do this, and I do it.”

 
The 6th step prayer says “Dear God, I am ready for Your help in removing from me the defects of character which I now realize are an obstacle to my recovery.Help me to continue being honest with myself and guide me toward spiritual and mental health.
And the 7th step prayer says “My Creator, I am now willing that you should have all of me, good and bad. I pray that you now remove from me every single defect of character which stands in the way of my usefulness to you and my fellows. Grant me strength, as I go out from here to do your bidding. Amen”
For Addicts like me, we have lived a life so untrusting, incompetency seems normal. We expected this while in our addiction, and now like all new things – confidence is a new thing. We question our abilities and competence. We have lived a life reliant on stepping into the dark paths with complete abandon. Now we are expected to step into a lighted path “seeing” what is before us? It’s scary and overwhelming to many in recovery. “Letting go and letting God” sounds easy, but it feels like throwing care and personal responsibility to the wind – “If it lands in a good spot we can pick it up and go on. If it falls out of reach or in a bad spot, we feel responsible for a bad decision. We feel like a failure.”

The psalmist of the Bible had a way of teling us to trust God – “ ”Be strong and take heart, all you who hope in the LORD.” (Psalm 31:24) … as he shared with the people new to a faith in an unseen God. From the Big Book of A.A. on page 164 of the required reading, according to those who have found a solution to sobriety and dealing with life on life’s terms (for the alcoholic) they wrote -” Our book is meant to be suggestive only. We realize we know only a little. God will constantly disclose more to you and to us. Ask Him what you can do in your morning meditation what you can do each day …”    “Abandon yourself to God as you understand God. Admit your faults to Him and to your fellows. Clear away the wreckage of your past. Give freely of what you find and join us. ….”
From all I read in all of this, it is a common thing to fear and be unsure especially when we feel different from others. There are others like us in “faith” for christians, and alcoholic/addicts. They both come together in a common meeting and share their fears and hopes, each giving what they have come to know.  For me, I think it means a need for more A.A. meetings and meeting with other christians in worship centers. Sometimes I feel like the odd man out because I attribute so much of my recovery to 12-steps and faith in God by christian teachings …. Guess I need to talk this over with my Higher Power, my Creator, the God of my understanding, or as we say in Texas “I’ll dance with the One what brung me.” lol ~ gary m            (Sobriety 11/01/08)