For addicts like me, and possibly the “normals”, being sure of our actions and “stepping softly” we tend to feel like we are walking on eggshells. …. “Am I right or am I wrong? Will I regret acting in confidence, knowing too well that in my past I acted with selfishness and without cognitive intervention?” Sometimes we feel we are taking a step of faith however, deep inside we are hiding doubt. It creates a paranoia and fear that we have done something wrong unknowingly.
Money? – “Should I spend this now or will something “come up” that I will regret I didn’t save for?”
Friends, Associates, Co-Workers? – “Do I trust them with knowing me intimately or are they selfish in their motives, as I used to be?”
Jobs? – “Am I really able to handle the tasks and job I have accepted or will I question my own abilities? How will I know and how do I address my employer so not to lose my income?”
I’ve failed myself and others so much in the past I find it hard to be confident. There’s a confidence from the program that I don’t have to use over this … but what of the past times when I failed?! I remember how I acted those times, and fearfully seeing those character defects coming out, what do I do?
The 5th step prayer says “Higher Power, My inventory has shown me who I am, yet I ask for Your help in admitting my wrongs to another person and to You.Assure me, and be with me, in this Step, for without this Step I cannot progress in my recovery.With Your help, I can do this, and I do it.”
The 6th step prayer says “Dear God, I am ready for Your help in removing from me the defects of character which I now realize are an obstacle to my recovery.Help me to continue being honest with myself and guide me toward spiritual and mental health.
And the 7th step prayer says “My Creator, I am now willing that you should have all of me, good and bad. I pray that you now remove from me every single defect of character which stands in the way of my usefulness to you and my fellows. Grant me strength, as I go out from here to do your bidding. Amen”
For Addicts like me, we have lived a life so untrusting, incompetency seems normal. We expected this while in our addiction, and now like all new things – confidence is a new thing. We question our abilities and competence. We have lived a life reliant on stepping into the dark paths with complete abandon. Now we are expected to step into a lighted path “seeing” what is before us? It’s scary and overwhelming to many in recovery. “Letting go and letting God” sounds easy, but it feels like throwing care and personal responsibility to the wind – “If it lands in a good spot we can pick it up and go on. If it falls out of reach or in a bad spot, we feel responsible for a bad decision. We feel like a failure.”
The psalmist of the Bible had a way of teling us to trust God – “ ”Be strong and take heart, all you who hope in the LORD.” (Psalm 31:24) … as he shared with the people new to a faith in an unseen God. From the Big Book of A.A. on page 164 of the required reading, according to those who have found a solution to sobriety and dealing with life on life’s terms (for the alcoholic) they wrote -” Our book is meant to be suggestive only. We realize we know only a little. God will constantly disclose more to you and to us. Ask Him what you can do in your morning meditation what you can do each day …” “Abandon yourself to God as you understand God. Admit your faults to Him and to your fellows. Clear away the wreckage of your past. Give freely of what you find and join us. ….”
From all I read in all of this, it is a common thing to fear and be unsure especially when we feel different from others. There are others like us in “faith” for christians, and alcoholic/addicts. They both come together in a common meeting and share their fears and hopes, each giving what they have come to know. For me, I think it means a need for more A.A. meetings and meeting with other christians in worship centers. Sometimes I feel like the odd man out because I attribute so much of my recovery to 12-steps and faith in God by christian teachings …. Guess I need to talk this over with my Higher Power, my Creator, the God of my understanding, or as we say in Texas “I’ll dance with the One what brung me.” lol ~ gary m 
(Sobriety 11/01/08)
